Battle of Midway

I have a monumental day approaching.
I call it 'Midway' day.
There is not a lot of happiness associated with this day. It's special every year but this year it's actually something bigger. Every year it is a disappointment, to say the least. I fear this year it may be even worse.
Yeah, you probably figured out I am talking about my birthday. Every year since I can remember this day (my birthday) has been anywhere from mildly annoying to disastrous.
For example, there were at least three, not two, not one, birthdays while I was a teenager my birthday was completely forgotten by everyone except me. There was another (beyond the three I just mentioned) that was forgotten and I made the mistake of bringing it up and pointing out the others that were forgotten.
Yeah, the mistake. It was a mistake because I was verbally castrated for mentioning it. The main argument was that the birthday was not forgotten it was celebrated. Problem was when the birthday was described in detail to prove I was wrong the birthday described was in fact my sister's not mine. Me and my big mouth pointed that out. The next year at least my mother was kind enough to tell me she was not going to celebrate my birthday that year. At least then it couldn't be said it was forgotten.
After high school I entered the Navy. My first birthday in the Navy I received no letters, cards or phone calls. No one knew it was my birthday.
My second I was out in the middle of the Atlantic. I watched as everyone around me opened packages from family, friends and what not. Packages received just because the person was missed not for any special reason. I got a phone bill in the mail.
By my third birthday in the Navy my friends in the military actually tried to celebrate my birthday. It was not a bad year. People actually cared that year (okay, so they were more concerned about having a reason to get drunk but I'm easy to please by this point.)
My mother actually told me we would celebrate my birthday when I came home to visit. It seemed maybe she had changed a little.
I returned to her home for a visit and no mention was made about my birthday. I waited, waited, waited, oh and I waited. No card, no cupcake. Nothing. The day before I was set to return to Florida I brought it up. I was told I was being selfish and no such promise was ever made.
From then on I expected nothing for my birthday. Not even for people to notice. It seemed though, the more I tried to pretend it wasn't important to me the more important it was. I got to where I would begin becoming desperately depressed a week before my birthday. Then it was two weeks, three and now it's up to a month of severe depression.
Don't get me wrong, I try to make my birthdays enjoyable. I get myself a present (when I can afford it). Hell, I go through a lot of trouble. I get a haircut (the expensive kind not Quick Cuts) a new shirt and pants (sometimes even new under ware). I get all dressed up and preened like I was going to go on a really hot date.
Thing is, it's not a hot date. It's just me.
I no longer have contact with my mother. It has been almost ten years maybe more. It just became too unhealthy a relationship. She liked to verbally castrate me and I believed her. The separation was the right thing to do. But I can't expect an acknowledgment of my birthday (preferably a present considering how many years she totally blew the whole thing off) if we no longer are in contact can I?
My friends try. I feel bad about it. I have some how built up this unattainable idea of what a good birthday is that now no one is able to live up to the expectation. Every year I come up with my ultimate birthday gift. One I am completely aware I would never receive but one I truly want.
I guess this ultimate gift really was invented because I became so disappointed by birthdays now I can at least have a reason as to why I seem disappointed.
Now here I am.
Midway.
I've been depressed for two weeks already so it will make this year the longest. A month and a half. I'm not where I want to be in life. The ultimate gift is actually more reasonable this year than it ever has been. In years past I have wanted a house, a condo on a beach, a car, a two week cruise to Australia. This year I want a year's tuition to college, a 20% down payment for a house or a trip to see Machu Pichu in Central America (okay, so that one is the most expensive, yeah the type of house I want is generally less than most people's yearly salary so it isn't that much, but a guy has gotta have dreams).
I know I am in control of my own life. Or in control as much as anyone can be so if I am not happy with my life only I can change it. I guess it's mostly just that I have tried to have a different kind of birthday every year and never had a good one. I am just tired of trying anymore. Life can be exhausting.
I have done one thing different this year.
It has been twenty-seven years since I have seen, spoken to or had any correspondence with my biological father. I looked him up and wrote a letter. In it I stated my birthday was approaching and it was important to me to receive some response before it gets here.
I would like to believe that twenty-seven years of missed birthdays and Xmases would warrant a kick ass birthday gift but I am a realist.
I fear the contact I receive will be minimal with my biological father professing poverty. (NOTE: I only mentioned my birthday was quickly approaching and because it was an important birthday it seemed the time to attempt contact with him. I NEVER mentioned anything about money.) I fear disappointment is rapidly approaching. This year quite possibly a greater amount of disappointment than ever.
On the plus side, my birthday is only one day. Twenty-four hours. It will be over and I will have a whole year to forget about it.
Wish me luck.